Day after Day

When on is surrounded by filth, one tends to become filthy.

As time passes the temporary seems to become permanent. Habits form over time even if you don't like it. The thought that "This is only temporary." repeats itself again and again and becomes another habit. Perhaps the universe is nothing but different vibrations. Today my mood was very bad, then tonight it's good. Over the course of a week this happens many times. And as the months go by I could see all of this being one big vibration. The rhythm of life that repeats again and again to no end. However, I didn't want this. At first I strongly resisted this path I'm on. I was sucking into it and promised it was only temporary. The underlying barrier for escape is unfortunately a difficult problem to solve. In searching for stability in life I have trapped myself. And for some reason as I was briefly with my head above the water of depression I grabbed for an escape, but somehow missed reading an email that lost me one perhaps vital week of time. Now I'm frantically searching my mailbox for something I should have started processing long ago. It helps to have a clear idea of your future when making something positive happen in your life.

So now I'm just letting the days go by and anxiously waiting for that escape ticket. My fingerprints buy me a paper that proves my worth. That paper allows me to slip out with the excuse that "it's only temporary" but in fact my true plan is far from that. That's the plan. But today during my depressed state I started to doubt it all and wanted to give up. I started to think that I should invest my energy turning my prison into a paradise. I'm not in the same level of depression as I once was when I first committed to this lifestyle. I have more hope and belief in myself. Although day to day is unbearable that hope keeps me going. The question is if I can trust my hope. In a way it was trusting in all these hopes that got me into this depressing state. I went after something that was perhaps impossible. I needed to get others to believe in life and experience the vision I had. They couldn't see it and after a time I became frustrated.

Life is so temporary. I understand the value of working at something and getting something great out of persistence and patience, but it seems like a risk in a way because if you fall into the wrong habits you wake up one day and realize you are far off the path. It's hard for me to imagine my ideal lifestyle right now. I have fallen off the path. By looking at myself I see where I have failed. But I'm not a complete failure. I still do some good in my life. I study Chinese everyday. And even though it's not a good job, I manage and there is merit in that. I want to do more. I want to come home and not blow my time away doing something 'worthless'. I have high standards for myself and sometimes I'm too hard on myself so that's why I don't want to say I've been doing worthless things. It's all a process; a vibration. I can do it. I can see the good in all things. There is a distant bright future, but even the present is wonderful.