Fragile, Fatigued

It's really hitting me now. I'm write because it is the only thing I do for myself. These past two days have been nothing but everyone in my life pulling me apart. Not only is my day completely 'called for', but people are also competing for my future.

Clearly, the culprit is my job. Before that I had all day to do nothing. Not only did I do nothing, but no one cared to take a second away from me. I was actually looking for other people to spend time with. That's not the whole story though. My life took a dramatic turn when my companion left. She was always there to share time together. We did many great things together. We MADE time to do things. No one claimed our time. But now, I feel like our time together is her time. Don't get me wrong. I really want to spend time with her! I miss her so much! But it's like I really am getting tired and there are so many people I want to please in my life. I want to visit my mom and let her like me again. I want to do chanting on Fridays. I want to practice Chinese. I want to make money. Honestly, I don't want to work. If anything this time constraint will push me harder to find something to do to change my situation. I'm thinking I might be farther along with caffeine addiction that I thought. I'm not going to quit cold turkey, but I will tone it down. I felt really slow and tired at work and I felt like I needed something... something EVIL! So, yeah, I'm toning down the coffee.

Will this all change? Has this just been a busy two days? Starting tomorrow at 5pm I'll have free time. Except at 6pm there is chanting and also my friend invited me to have hot pot. It isn't an easy choice! Why do things have to be all at the same time? At any rate, I have no commitments to anyone on Sunday. Perhaps a phone call to my mom would be appropriate. Am I overloaded? Do I need to isolate myself from others? At this point I think I'd try to cut off the wrong people. If anyone needs to get out of my life it's this dead-end job. Every free moment I'll be looking for a viable alternative. I'll work hard. I've been craving hard work. I've been saying "hey, life, I need to be challenged." Here is my challenge. As the challenge becomes more overwhelming and unstoppable I don't have time to give up or give in, my nature response is to rise to the occasion. I gain much more discipline this way. Let's see what I say at the end of tomorrow...