Return To America

Last night I had a dream. In the dream, my contract expired and I was back in America. *snap* Just like that; back home. Recently I've been curious about what reverse culture shock will be like. So, in the dream I had a really bad experience coming back. Going back to a place so familiar was like being sucked-in, walking down-hill, or sinking into the ground. The feeling was like my life was ending. Perhaps the only other time I've had this feeling was on some Sunday evenings. We all know that feeling of the weekend being over and it's a kind of dread about the next day. For me it was like an end to freedom.

Well, to continue with the dream some problems appeared that, although are dream-specific, might have some weight on my actual decision to stay or go. First, I wondered if Yumi knew that I wasn't going to teach Thursday and Friday. Secondly, I left all of my stuff back in Korea. I knew that I'd have to go back to Korea to tie up some loose ends, but in the dream I decided I should stay in Korea for another year. It wasn't a solid decision; actually the one thing that made me feel like staying was that the students really like me. I mean, they are really nice to me and compliment me all the time. They are happy when I'm around, or when I run into them downtown. In this dream world, people back home were engaged in their own lives and had just a little room to welcome me back into their lives. There was a brief reunion with all the people I miss, but things reset back to the ordinary very quickly. I figured that a two to four week stay back home was all I needed.

Yeah, but my thoughts were heavily influenced by the fact that EVERYTHING was still in Korea (I think I even felt like I had to go back to get my passport). What I find most surprising about this dream is that I've never had a dream like this. Before leaving the country I often have dreams about the strange journey ahead. And after arriving in said exotic place I have dreams of suddenly going back home because I forgot something or for some other reason. In this dream my return to Korea frightens me a little.

I have really established my own life here. I have friends, responsibilities, places I know and frequently go to, expectations about what I can achieve here. So, what happens when my contract really does expire? Should I just give up on the things I'm doing now so that it'll be easier to go back home? But in that case life here will be... pure and simple melancholy. It was the same when I left my home. I had a life. I was going somewhere there, but I put everything on hold while I went somewhere else. We are limited to only living one life. The sad thing is that life can never be put on hold. When I come back and try to restart things where I left off, I'll find out that everything has change (and paradoxically everything will be the same in a way). The biggest challenge is to live in the moment. For example, I feel a little like I shouldn't waste my time studying one more word of Korean. But for the remaining few months I could actually learn alot and life might be a little bit better here. And then what? I could seek out people to practice Korean with and improve my skills, but unless I put myself in that situation I'll never need to know a single Korean word. I guess living in the moment is to embrace the fact that you'll never know what information will be important in the future. I think many people agree that you should just do what you love for this reason. If you just do what you love, then you'll find some way to make it useful in the future.