Day after Day

When on is surrounded by filth, one tends to become filthy.

As time passes the temporary seems to become permanent. Habits form over time even if you don't like it. The thought that "This is only temporary." repeats itself again and again and becomes another habit. Perhaps the universe is nothing but different vibrations. Today my mood was very bad, then tonight it's good. Over the course of a week this happens many times. And as the months go by I could see all of this being one big vibration. The rhythm of life that repeats again and again to no end. However, I didn't want this. At first I strongly resisted this path I'm on. I was sucking into it and promised it was only temporary. The underlying barrier for escape is unfortunately a difficult problem to solve. In searching for stability in life I have trapped myself. And for some reason as I was briefly with my head above the water of depression I grabbed for an escape, but somehow missed reading an email that lost me one perhaps vital week of time. Now I'm frantically searching my mailbox for something I should have started processing long ago. It helps to have a clear idea of your future when making something positive happen in your life.

So now I'm just letting the days go by and anxiously waiting for that escape ticket. My fingerprints buy me a paper that proves my worth. That paper allows me to slip out with the excuse that "it's only temporary" but in fact my true plan is far from that. That's the plan. But today during my depressed state I started to doubt it all and wanted to give up. I started to think that I should invest my energy turning my prison into a paradise. I'm not in the same level of depression as I once was when I first committed to this lifestyle. I have more hope and belief in myself. Although day to day is unbearable that hope keeps me going. The question is if I can trust my hope. In a way it was trusting in all these hopes that got me into this depressing state. I went after something that was perhaps impossible. I needed to get others to believe in life and experience the vision I had. They couldn't see it and after a time I became frustrated.

Life is so temporary. I understand the value of working at something and getting something great out of persistence and patience, but it seems like a risk in a way because if you fall into the wrong habits you wake up one day and realize you are far off the path. It's hard for me to imagine my ideal lifestyle right now. I have fallen off the path. By looking at myself I see where I have failed. But I'm not a complete failure. I still do some good in my life. I study Chinese everyday. And even though it's not a good job, I manage and there is merit in that. I want to do more. I want to come home and not blow my time away doing something 'worthless'. I have high standards for myself and sometimes I'm too hard on myself so that's why I don't want to say I've been doing worthless things. It's all a process; a vibration. I can do it. I can see the good in all things. There is a distant bright future, but even the present is wonderful.

Eluding Escape

What is an escape? I'd say that I have realized that video games are an escape. Almost always a video game is a false world where you have objectives to complete and in the end it was all just a game. Even if I have millions in a video game I'm still poor in real life. But recently I've noticed that even when I'm not playing video games I manage to escape using different methods.

First, at work. Some may think that there is no escape at work, because duh your time is their time. If you escape then you'll be fired. But actually, I spend alot of time at work 'not at work'. My job is simple enough that I don't need to think about it. Plus, I have the option to wear earplugs so I don't need to listen to anyone or anything either. I escape in thought. At the end of the day I couldn't really tell you what I thought about. However, I'm not completely focused on work. Actually, I'm focused as little as I can on work.

Then when I get off of work what do I do? Sometimes I'll play a card game or board game with friends. Socializing isn't escape. Right? Well, hmm... A more serious question to ponder is if you can ever be with someone else and not be escaping. I suppose we should first consider what escape means.
So far I've been vague about what escape is. But everyone knows what it is. Have you ever noticed yourself sitting in front of the TV for hours on end? Yes, you were escaping. From what? Life!
Now that I think of it, it's true. You are escaping from life. People often have big dreams and strong beliefs, but they let the monotony of everyday life get to them. They put off things they care about and value until later. As if it happened all of a sudden the escape become the important thing. My life as a video game character is more important that achieving that goal I had or making my dream come true. Or my mother that wants to see me so badly forgets I'm in the room when her favorite show comes on. Sad, isn't it? But it doesn't matter that we have so many means for escape; people could always escape and will always escape.

My challenge is to not escape from life. It isn't easy. I want to escape right now. I feel discouraged, down, defeated. An escape won't help me fulfill my dream. It won't make my life any better; I'll just forget about my troubles for a while. So back to the earlier question about if it's possible to be with someone and not escape. Well, totally it can! If you find someone in life that favors your passion for living life to it's fullest then there you have it.

Now what do I do for the rest of the night?

Fragile, Fatigued

It's really hitting me now. I'm write because it is the only thing I do for myself. These past two days have been nothing but everyone in my life pulling me apart. Not only is my day completely 'called for', but people are also competing for my future.

Clearly, the culprit is my job. Before that I had all day to do nothing. Not only did I do nothing, but no one cared to take a second away from me. I was actually looking for other people to spend time with. That's not the whole story though. My life took a dramatic turn when my companion left. She was always there to share time together. We did many great things together. We MADE time to do things. No one claimed our time. But now, I feel like our time together is her time. Don't get me wrong. I really want to spend time with her! I miss her so much! But it's like I really am getting tired and there are so many people I want to please in my life. I want to visit my mom and let her like me again. I want to do chanting on Fridays. I want to practice Chinese. I want to make money. Honestly, I don't want to work. If anything this time constraint will push me harder to find something to do to change my situation. I'm thinking I might be farther along with caffeine addiction that I thought. I'm not going to quit cold turkey, but I will tone it down. I felt really slow and tired at work and I felt like I needed something... something EVIL! So, yeah, I'm toning down the coffee.

Will this all change? Has this just been a busy two days? Starting tomorrow at 5pm I'll have free time. Except at 6pm there is chanting and also my friend invited me to have hot pot. It isn't an easy choice! Why do things have to be all at the same time? At any rate, I have no commitments to anyone on Sunday. Perhaps a phone call to my mom would be appropriate. Am I overloaded? Do I need to isolate myself from others? At this point I think I'd try to cut off the wrong people. If anyone needs to get out of my life it's this dead-end job. Every free moment I'll be looking for a viable alternative. I'll work hard. I've been craving hard work. I've been saying "hey, life, I need to be challenged." Here is my challenge. As the challenge becomes more overwhelming and unstoppable I don't have time to give up or give in, my nature response is to rise to the occasion. I gain much more discipline this way. Let's see what I say at the end of tomorrow...

Lost Freedom

Yesterday I stayed up too late. Yeah, it wasn't such a good idea. The trap I get into is looking to suck some joy out of my day by staying up and doing things like watching movies or playing video games. I was watching a Chinese movie with the excuse that I was studying. But honestly, studying and watching a movie are not the same. They talk way too fast for me right now and the subtitles didn't exactly match up.

The whole day was basically spent 'studying Chinese'. I wanted to exercise more, but I started feeling sick and I'm scared that it was from a coffee overload. I started the year so well by quitting coffee, but then somehow I heard that coffee is actually good for you. Unfortunately, I think I have a problem with caffeine. Or rather, I think I'm in a position where it could become a problem, but it has never gone that far.

After spending the whole day inside I went out for a bike ride and realized what a wonderful day I was missing. I didn't have anything to do so I went to return something to the library. I saw my Japanese friend while I was there. We spent a few minutes trying to talk, but not having anything to talk about. He invited me to hot pot on Saturday. It was a somewhat sour feeling, because I remember he invited me once before when I was a we and perhaps a little more happy. Anyway, when the depression lurks a little closer I can then remember that good thought.

Finally, today happened. It was my first day at my new job. It's a little hard for me to believe I actually took this job, because I feel like I'm at the lowest part of the low-end. Did the guy who hired me realize that I'll quit at any second? It seems like everyone working there will only last a few months tops. I have to wonder though, when I work this full time job will I lose my energy to pursue my dreams? Well, I could have been lazy tonight and not written about my day, but look. Here I am! Writing! I have the feeling that maybe my writing isn't as good as it was before, but my previous writing was a caffeine-induced mess I'm sure. To write before I go to bed is a long-lost tradition for me. My brain is too tired to think of anything cleaver, but perhaps I'm being more honest when I do it like this.

After work I went to see my mom. She was angry with me a little. I didn't see what the point of spoiling our time together would accomplish. All in all it was a nice time. There was free quality pizza and some rhubarb pie. Seeing my brother and his girlfriend together was a little bit disturbing. I went and talked to my old kungfu teacher. I think there will be more of that later. Now I'm at home and distracted by a friend that's over. They are drunk and talking. I would be wise to not be trapped into their conversation. Oh man, I just turned around and said something to them after I typed that. Well, I did some writing. I guess that's all I was going for. And although I've been somewhat distracted, especially here towards the end, I'm only three minutes away from the allotted time for this. YEA!

Family First

Some may think that my reason for coming back to my hometown is to be closer to my family. The strange thing about my relationship with my family is that the closer we are physically the farther we are in communication. Since my return almost six months ago I have not spoken or seen many of my cousins who live here. Furthermore, while abroad I made an effort to contact my parents once a week. Now I have not seen them for a while. I was looking forward to having a nice Mother's Day with my mom, but she reminded me that she will be out of town that day. According to what I said earlier then perhaps this is good because she will be farther away. However, I feel like a kind of irony. Coming home and having them leave.

Anyway, yesterday was a very sad day. I had a very hard time in the morning, possibly because of sleep deprivation. But I was determined to have a positive productive day. The next step I take in my life is a tricky one. Should I wait for the job which aligns with my major? Take any job I can as a first step to build to something more? Or, as I had a strong conviction to do before I arrived, should I look for a way to make my own money? Life will not wait for me to decide. Yesterday, these three option presented themselves to me in varying degrees. Each one is very tempting. And there seems to be no middle ground. If I choose one path then it'll take energy away from another. I will continue to consider these things today.

I was surprised by a phone call yesterday. It was my cousin. He was doing laundry just one block away. So, I went to meet him there. He told me that he wouldn't leave his laundry there because he once had his towels taken from that laundromat. I was happy enough to just visit with him while he did his laundry. Usually he calls me and figures out where I am in my life, but recently I had been calling him to talk to him. Strangely he was too busy or something and didn't call back. Having someone five years older than I gives me a perspective about what to do with my future.

Later on that day I felt very tired and needed to sleep. I probably slept for too long. It was already dark outside and I hadn't eaten dinner. After I ate I read. And during my reading my brother called me. He wanted to come visit. It's somewhat strange. For the past few weeks I hadn't seen anyone in my family and then suddenly today I see my cousin and brother. Those two may be like Yin and Yang. Right now they are in a bad relationship and can't be in the same place at the same time. At other times that have been so inseparable.

It was the first day of my new schedule. I'm trying to be disciplined, but sometimes other people demand time and attention. Today I feel I will do much better to stay on task. Now that I reflect on yesterday it was a good day. Perhaps although according to one perspective I failed looking at it a different way I may have had the best day I could have had.

This Time

As I was driving away I heard a sound from the back seat. It was the sound of glass clanking together. I couldn't remember what I put back there. As I reached back I found two glasses. These ginger beer glasses were... empty.

When I first sipped home made ginger beer it was a very happy time. The bottle exploded with the active fermentation inside. What could have been a mess was carefully caught and strained. All of those happy memories are now painful ones.

We shared these last two glasses of ginger beer. It was difficult for me because with every sip I took I knew it was the last time I would ever taste this. Or possibly if I ever had this taste again it would remind me of this sad time. For me sharing the last of the ginger beer was about ending. Although she and I may meet again this is definitely the beginning of a new era. What does this new change to my life bring? So far I can't be happy. Every little thing that reminds me of her brings me back to my sorrow.

We made a strict schedule on our last night together. Just last night, not more than twelve hours ago, I had full confidence in this schedule. Now, I feel the whole purpose of the schedule is to chase away the depression that is always creeping in the background of my life. If I don't have any schedule I will surely fall into a routine of doing nothing and being sad.

Let me just take a moment now to psyche myself. To give myself the confidence that I will rise up from the ashes. I can do anything! I will regain my once unshakable self-discipline. This really is a new era, a new time in my life, and it will be a positive one!

Korea's Fermentation Culture

Fermentation seems to be an old-style preservation technique that is loosing ground to more modern methods. However, the rich fermentation traditions in Korea are well preserved. My interest in fermentation started long before my time in Korea. The idea of making something at home intrigued me and the ‘wonder drink’ Kombucha confounded my mind. What was this thing everyone is so interested in and willing to pay almost four dollars for? I started researching probiotics and got very excited at the possible health benefits. For me the logic seemed very sound; we came from this Earthly planet and can find symbiotic relations with many different Earthly organisms. An imbalance in the micro-world can cause macro-health problems.

Then I went to Korea. If you’re very new to Korea then I might say you don’t know ‘kimchi’ about Korea. Compared to the ocean of the words taken from Chinese and Japanese only a drop come from Korean. One of them is ‘kimchi’; so if you don’t know kimchi, you don’t know anything. Kimchi is basically fermented vegetables. The most common is cabbage kimchi. Although a major ingredient is hot pepper I never noticed any spiciness to it. It reminded me of something I learned in China: “Sour neutralizes spicy.” It’s so true!

Aside from fermented cabbage Koreans ferment almost anything they can. I’d say the next most popular fermented dish would be radish kimchi. From what I remember of the kimchi museum the first kind of kimchi was radish kimchi, but it didn’t include hot pepper paste (that could be shocking if you are a Korean and never knew that). Another notable fermented item would be sesame leaves. Also you can’t forget hot pepper paste itself. Oh and many other sauces as well. Perhaps now you see what I mean when I say Korea is rich in its fermentation culture.

Of all the fermented foods I enjoyed there was one that I particularly DIDN’T enjoy. I was lucky enough to only come across it once. The meal was supposedly very traditional Korean-style. So what was fermented? Fish. And it was so disgusting! Some fermented dishes take some time to get used to and after a while they become enjoyable. But not this. I couldn’t imagine enjoying it. Ever. I thought maybe they accidentally spilled some toxic chemical on the fish. Well, there’s no need to go on any more about this.

One of the most fascinating things about fermented foods for me is the relatively little control we have over them. Perhaps that’s why in many other cultures we have given up on it. Yes, I know of course mass-produced things like beer and cheese are scientifically made probably within a .01% error margin. But in Korea all these things they make are wild ferments. There is a certain taste (it happens to be slightly repulsive) to homemade makoli (rice wine). I was lucky enough to experience that once and it reminded me of a home ferment that I tried.

Cooking  is an art. So when wild fermentation is added to the process I feel like the art really speaks to me. Sometimes the kimchi (like at school) is pitiful. Sometimes it was unbelievably good. But one thing to appreciate about it was the temporary nature of it. Try as you may to keep the kimchi taste the same day after day it will slowly sour and change in taste. You as the artist work with this invisible hand. The invisible hand may help extremely, but it could also hinder you.